Love.

What is love?

How can you tell the difference between love and lust?  How do you know that you love someone more than you love the feeling of the change, thrill of the moment, happiness of feeling wanted by someone else?

I used to say that I knew what love was.  I had been in and out of relationships that I believed had possessed love at one point.  The words "I love you" were spoken, and in a blink of an eye, the relationship was over, and hearts were broken.  The idea of love is much different than love itself.  Love contains an unbreakable bond.  Once you meet that person who you can absolutely not see yourself without, that's when you know you're in love.

Love is a powerful and precious thing.  I mentioned before that I thought I found it.  My past relationships held loyalty.  I was pushed around, pushed down, and sometimes, every once and a while, picked back up because that is what a "good" boyfriend does.  That wasn't love.  It was me loving the idea that somebody wanted me. Somebody was attracted to me.  I was insecure.

That was the me of the past. In the last year, I have made many changes to my life.  I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions, both good and bad.  I have been pushed down more times.  But I have included people in my life who have been more than willing to pick me back up.  One of these amazing people is a man who I have the pleasure to call my boyfriend.  Because I know what it's like to lust over someone, and love the idea of them wanting you, I know that I am completely in love with Peter.

April 18, 2016:  Still feeling a bit insecure, but a little spontaneous, I decided to send a message to the boy who had been in one of my courses throughout the entire semester.  Although he may have not known, I had my eye on him since the first day of class.  Finally, I mustered up enough courage to talk to him.  I didn't know what to expect of our date, but it ended up being the most amazing date I had ever been on.  Genuinely interested in me, he listened to every story I had, and he asked questions to get to know me.  Suddenly in a restaurant full of people, he was the only one I saw.  

Fast forward to a few weeks later:  While at a birthday party for one of his friends, I had a great time. I was able to get to know his friends a little better through great conversation with them.  After leaving the party, his best friend reassured me that Peter was completely head over heals for me and I did not have to worry about a thing.  That we were perfect together, and soon it would be made "official."  Later that night, I watched as he helped carry his good friend back to her room as she had drunk a little too much that night.  I watched as he tucked her in.  As he tried to help her get as comfortable as possible.  I watched him be a loyal friend. Putting her before anyone else.  I knew at that moment that he was the one for me.  He was selfless.  He cares about me, he cares about his friends, and he cares about his family.  He works hard and he's respectful.

May 14, 2016: Peter leaves to go back home to California. By this time, I am completely and totally in love with him and I know for a fact that we'll be together still when he returns in the fall.  In fact, we'll be together forever.  I cry.  I hug him goodbye, and I walk away from the terminal.  I try not to look back, but I can't help but sneak one more peak, just to see if he's watching me go.  As I turn around, my heart aches to see the pain on his face.  As he enters into that terminal, we enter into the three most difficult months of our lives.

June 11, 2016: I leave Chicago to visit Peter in California.  I meet him at the baggage claim, and for the first time all summer, I feel whole again.  My heart isn't heavy.  I do not have to miss him anymore.  I don't have to leave those strong arms that keep me safe for the next three days.  Nothing changed.  I met his family, and we had the most fun that we had all summer.  No matter what we did, it was perfect.  Until he had to take me back to the airport at 4 a.m. on a Wednesday morning.  We both cried.  Harder than the last.  I hoped the next month and a half would fly by.

Today: He comes back to Chicago in three weeks. It feels like the day will never come.  I walk to work, and every plane that flies over my head, reminds me that I am just one day closer to seeing him. It seems like time is crawling.  My heart is heavy because I miss him more than I ever have.  I try to be strong.  Work hard to forget the pain, but at the end of the day, we spend hours on FaceTime because it is the closest thing we have to being together.

I love him because he is strong enough to take the risk of dating me over 2,200 miles. I love him because he puts me before himself.  I love him because he wants me to be in his life in every way possible.  I love him because he loves me for me.  Makeup or not, dressed up or in sweats, happy or crabby, he still loves me.  I love him because I know what it feels like to love the feeling, and for once, I know what it's like to love the man more than I love the feeling.

Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Confidently Complimenting

"You're beautiful."

These were two words that were said to me in passing when leaving the hospital this morning.

Inspiring. Encouraging. Unexpected- These words describe my reaction.

Some may think that this kind of compliment is nothing special. Why would it be inspiring?  This compliment came from the mouth of a young girl.  A teenager.

I found myself thinking back to when I was that age.  So young.  Inexperienced.  Barely an ounce of confidence within me. Suddenly, it hit me.  This girl has something that I didn't have five years ago.  Five years ago, I searched for someone to give me the confidence that this girl had with in her.  Seeking the approval of my peers, adults, family, it never seemed to be enough to fill that void. I struggled through high school.  I tried to learn, and eventually I did, but I fell down multiple times during the process.

I kept walking, realizing a girl who is full of confidence is rare.  She may be able to put on a mask of confidence while in public, which is something, I will admit, I do quite often. She may run to the approval of others, which I have also been found guilty of doing. But the woman who realizes her worth within herself, without needing to hear it from another person, is truly, and genuinely beautiful.  And furthermore, the woman who can confidently give compliments to other girls is so much more beautiful.  That is the true definition of beauty, confidence, character, and dignity: being able to humble yourself enough to put the attention on someone else.

We live in a world where women are analyzed, looked at, and lusted for.  We live in a world where any characteristic considered a flaw, is pointed out before compliments are considered to be given.  We live in a world where based on where your curves are, you're categorized in one of the three: too skinny, sexy, or fat.  This is a problem.  This problem is so big that public high schools include it in curriculums.  But it still exists.  Girls still feel pressured to work out more, eat way less than what is healthy, or eat more than what is healthy.  And even after giving into all that pressure, the problem still exists.  It's seen everywhere: billboards, newspapers, movies, trailers, the internet, social media, etc.  The list is endless, just like the list of flaws the world labels "bad."  In the world in which we live, the beauty that is seen on the outside is much more important than what is seen within. What if we took a step back for a second, and stopped ourselves from being engulfed in the lies that physical appearance is everything.  It's not.  Every woman in this world is made with beauty.  There is no such thing as flaws in physical appearance.  Flaws are found much deeper underneath the skin- pride, bitterness, jealousy...

So here's a challenge to anyone who may be reading this: think differently.  Lay down your pride, and acknowledge someone for who they are.  Realize that the physical appearance of anyone will someday fade.  It's temporary. Be generous. Be kind.  Be loving.  Be different.  Be beautiful.  Live the life that was intended for you.

The courage to have the confidence to give a compliment can go a long way.

"She is clothed with strength and dignity, and laughs without fear of the future."  Proverbs 31:25

Restitution for the Hurting Heart

Restitution: (n.) restoration of something lost or broken. 

"I'm fine."

Two words that define the way I feel 100% of the time... or at least that's what I tell people. 

I hate showing weakness. I pretend that I'm fine, even when I'm not.  I force myself to smile when I'm feeling down, so that no one will know that inside I'm actually falling apart.  I make myself busy to hold back tears. I keep all my messy emotions locked up inside of me. 

And then I break. 

I hit rock bottom.   I don't know what to do.  I don't know how to express my feelings, and I get frustrated when the people around me can't possibly understand what I'm feeling.  I get mad at myself for keeping my emotions locked up inside of me for so long.  All I can do is cry.  I feel sick.  I hurt.  I feel empty.  Imperfect.  Raw. 

For some people, showing their emotions, and talking them out has been an easy road their entire life.    For others, including myself, it has been a long road figuring out a healthy release of the hurt and brokenness. My entire life, I have struggled with telling those who care about me the truth- that I actually am not fine.  I build up the world around me to be something that looks perfect on the outside, but from the inside out, it's destructive.  

It just causes a feeling of desperation. It causes lying to yourself.  Feeling like you're not good enough for the people who you have surrounded yourself with.  You feel stuck. 

The past six months for me have been particularly difficult for me.  There have often been times that are great, but there have been a lot of times that I haven't known what to do.  Although I am obviously not an expert on how to deal with pain and hurt, I've come to the conclusion that the people you surround yourself with are so important.  Surround yourself with people who genuinely care about you, and don't shut them out when you need them.  You are not a burden.  You are loved.  You are worth it.  When you need to take someone's time because you just need to talk it out, you are worth every minute.  That person should care for you and love you.  You are important.  You have a purpose.  Don't give up. 

A Letter to My Future Self

The American Dream:  To live a "good life" consisting of a successful job, a beautiful family, a stable, and even entertaining lifestyle.  That's the goal of so many people growing up.  Many young adults often have that dream in mind when they begin to set out on their own journey into the "real world" that high school constantly glamorizes, because let's be honest, who wouldn't want to live that life? According to the high school advisors and counselors, "they just want what's best for you."

It's been a year since I graduated high school, and my life has been pretty great.  It hasn't been easy, but I've been through great experiences, and for the bad experiences, I've learned from them.  Looking back, I wouldn't change anything that I've gone through- the good or the bad.  I have learned many lessons a long the way, but one of the most important being that with a positive attitude, you can accomplish so much more.  Don't doubt yourself.  Be confident in who you are.  Know you can do amazing things with confidence, knowing that you are amazing.  I've realized that seeing situations on the "brighter side" and having a positive outlook on your life causes so much more success in the future.

Whatever your dream may be, believe in yourself 100%.  Don't be afraid to fail.  In our country's history alone, there are multiple leaders that our nation looks up to, who in fact, needed to fail before achieving success.  Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King Jr., and Thomas Edison are to just name a few. They failed, but what sets them apart from the others in this world is their persistence.  Striving for greatness, knowing they would eventually overcome their failures.  When you hear these names, you remember their greatness. Know others may judge, and even tell you that you are unable to accomplish what you have in mind.  Remember that they are wrong.  No matter what it is you set your mind to, you can do it.  There is a large amount of people living their lives unsatisfied because they become discouraged and settle for a career that isn't their first choice.  They spend the rest of their lives stressed out, dreading going to work, and only go to work simply to provide for themselves and their family. Now is the time that you decide where you want to be in a few years.  Don't take the easier way out.  Don't settle. 

Life begins with having a little faith.  Your Creator gave you the gift of potential in whatever field you may be interested and talented in.  Don't be afraid to step out of your comfort zone every once and a while.  Try new things.  Dream big.  That career that you imagine yourself doing in five years?  Continue going to school for that degree; don't get discouraged.  No matter how challenging it may become, don't give up.  Those opportunities that keep knocking at your door?  Don't turn them down until you are certain there is a legitimate reason it won't help you, because that's exactly what it is intended to do- help you.  That mental bucket list that you keep in the back of your mind of things you want to complete in your spare time?  Go out and make them happen.  This earth is a beautiful place, don't forget to explore it!  That relationship that you somehow found yourself in through everything that is going on around you?  Keep looking toward the future; you feel the way you do about that person for a reason.  Love is a precious thing; once you find it, don't let it go. 

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11