Restitution for the Hurting Heart

Restitution: (n.) restoration of something lost or broken. 

"I'm fine."

Two words that define the way I feel 100% of the time... or at least that's what I tell people. 

I hate showing weakness. I pretend that I'm fine, even when I'm not.  I force myself to smile when I'm feeling down, so that no one will know that inside I'm actually falling apart.  I make myself busy to hold back tears. I keep all my messy emotions locked up inside of me. 

And then I break. 

I hit rock bottom.   I don't know what to do.  I don't know how to express my feelings, and I get frustrated when the people around me can't possibly understand what I'm feeling.  I get mad at myself for keeping my emotions locked up inside of me for so long.  All I can do is cry.  I feel sick.  I hurt.  I feel empty.  Imperfect.  Raw. 

For some people, showing their emotions, and talking them out has been an easy road their entire life.    For others, including myself, it has been a long road figuring out a healthy release of the hurt and brokenness. My entire life, I have struggled with telling those who care about me the truth- that I actually am not fine.  I build up the world around me to be something that looks perfect on the outside, but from the inside out, it's destructive.  

It just causes a feeling of desperation. It causes lying to yourself.  Feeling like you're not good enough for the people who you have surrounded yourself with.  You feel stuck. 

The past six months for me have been particularly difficult for me.  There have often been times that are great, but there have been a lot of times that I haven't known what to do.  Although I am obviously not an expert on how to deal with pain and hurt, I've come to the conclusion that the people you surround yourself with are so important.  Surround yourself with people who genuinely care about you, and don't shut them out when you need them.  You are not a burden.  You are loved.  You are worth it.  When you need to take someone's time because you just need to talk it out, you are worth every minute.  That person should care for you and love you.  You are important.  You have a purpose.  Don't give up.