A few days ago, I was so angry. I was confused. I was hurting. I was afraid.
I spent the previous twenty-four hours dwelling on my past. Everything that had made me afraid. I came to the conclusion that I was afraid of the things that I am due to the previous relationships I had been in. Reliving the hurt and pain that other men had caused me in the past caused me to feel shameful. I felt small. I felt insecure. I felt weak.
Later, I reluctantly attended the church service I had been looking forward to throughout the week. I was depressed, and I didn't want to get up, get dressed, and walk to church. In the moment, it seemed like such a huge task for my emotionally overwhelmed body. However, I told myself that I needed to get up. I needed to rest in the Lord. Only then, I would feel a little better. Sitting on the couch in my unproductive state was only going to bring more worry. It would only bring back more flashbacks from the past. I would only feel worse.
I got up, got dressed, and I walked to that beautiful, beloved church of mine.
Immediately after I arrived, a song from my adolescence, 10,000 Reasons, began to play from the worship leader's keyboard. For a moment, I remembered how many times my piano and I sang these lyrics to the Lord during my times of darkness of my past. No emotion from the past relationships I had been upset about were there in that moment. The spirit of the Lord came and covered them. The grace and forgiveness of his presence.
After two glorious hours of resting in the Lord's presence, I went home. My heart felt full. I felt like I could trust the people who were closest to me, specifically my boyfriend. Trusting and confiding in others has been something I have struggled with over the past few years. I realized it was beginning to take root and slowly begin to harm my relationship. I couldn't let that happen. I believe that boy has been given to me as a blessing and I felt as if it was easy to trust him. I didn't have anything to worry about.
Now twenty-four hours later, I can not stop thinking about the grace of our great God. I can not stop thinking about how life is full of opportunities. We are given choices. We are given the ability to make mistakes. We are given the ability to suffer the consequences of our mistakes. We can sit on the couch all day, avoiding the people in this beautiful world, or we can take a chance. We can take a risk of entering into a relationship that later will seem more like diving head first into. We can let others hurt us. We can choose to dwell on that.
We could choose to forgive.
Of course it's okay to hurt. Of course it's okay to make mistakes. Of course it's okay once in a while to dwell on something from the past. But the choice to continue to dwell on these things will lead into a dark ally. A dark ally in which does not have a visible light at the end. The ally is dark and scary. Choosing to dwell on the past instead of learning from the mistakes you made causes depression. Finding your way out of the dark ally is far more difficult than entering it. You feel lost, confused, and empty.
Choose to forgive. Choose to move on. Choose to learn. Choose to better yourself.
Today I realized that choosing to forgive brings a more positive consequence with it. It brings peace. It brings restitution. It brings the ability to love the ones who mean the most to you more than you initially thought you could. It brings freedom.
Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32
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