A few days ago, I was so angry. I was confused. I was hurting. I was afraid.
I spent the previous twenty-four hours dwelling on my past. Everything that had made me afraid. I came to the conclusion that I was afraid of the things that I am due to the previous relationships I had been in. Reliving the hurt and pain that other men had caused me in the past caused me to feel shameful. I felt small. I felt insecure. I felt weak.
Later, I reluctantly attended the church service I had been looking forward to throughout the week. I was depressed, and I didn't want to get up, get dressed, and walk to church. In the moment, it seemed like such a huge task for my emotionally overwhelmed body. However, I told myself that I needed to get up. I needed to rest in the Lord. Only then, I would feel a little better. Sitting on the couch in my unproductive state was only going to bring more worry. It would only bring back more flashbacks from the past. I would only feel worse.
I got up, got dressed, and I walked to that beautiful, beloved church of mine.
Immediately after I arrived, a song from my adolescence, 10,000 Reasons, began to play from the worship leader's keyboard. For a moment, I remembered how many times my piano and I sang these lyrics to the Lord during my times of darkness of my past. No emotion from the past relationships I had been upset about were there in that moment. The spirit of the Lord came and covered them. The grace and forgiveness of his presence.
After two glorious hours of resting in the Lord's presence, I went home. My heart felt full. I felt like I could trust the people who were closest to me, specifically my boyfriend. Trusting and confiding in others has been something I have struggled with over the past few years. I realized it was beginning to take root and slowly begin to harm my relationship. I couldn't let that happen. I believe that boy has been given to me as a blessing and I felt as if it was easy to trust him. I didn't have anything to worry about.
Now twenty-four hours later, I can not stop thinking about the grace of our great God. I can not stop thinking about how life is full of opportunities. We are given choices. We are given the ability to make mistakes. We are given the ability to suffer the consequences of our mistakes. We can sit on the couch all day, avoiding the people in this beautiful world, or we can take a chance. We can take a risk of entering into a relationship that later will seem more like diving head first into. We can let others hurt us. We can choose to dwell on that.
We could choose to forgive.
Of course it's okay to hurt. Of course it's okay to make mistakes. Of course it's okay once in a while to dwell on something from the past. But the choice to continue to dwell on these things will lead into a dark ally. A dark ally in which does not have a visible light at the end. The ally is dark and scary. Choosing to dwell on the past instead of learning from the mistakes you made causes depression. Finding your way out of the dark ally is far more difficult than entering it. You feel lost, confused, and empty.
Choose to forgive. Choose to move on. Choose to learn. Choose to better yourself.
Today I realized that choosing to forgive brings a more positive consequence with it. It brings peace. It brings restitution. It brings the ability to love the ones who mean the most to you more than you initially thought you could. It brings freedom.
Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32
Thursday, August 18, 2016
Saturday, July 30, 2016
Love.
What is love?
How can you tell the difference between love and lust? How do you know that you love someone more than you love the feeling of the change, thrill of the moment, happiness of feeling wanted by someone else?
I used to say that I knew what love was. I had been in and out of relationships that I believed had possessed love at one point. The words "I love you" were spoken, and in a blink of an eye, the relationship was over, and hearts were broken. The idea of love is much different than love itself. Love contains an unbreakable bond. Once you meet that person who you can absolutely not see yourself without, that's when you know you're in love.
Love is a powerful and precious thing. I mentioned before that I thought I found it. My past relationships held loyalty. I was pushed around, pushed down, and sometimes, every once and a while, picked back up because that is what a "good" boyfriend does. That wasn't love. It was me loving the idea that somebody wanted me. Somebody was attracted to me. I was insecure.
That was the me of the past. In the last year, I have made many changes to my life. I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions, both good and bad. I have been pushed down more times. But I have included people in my life who have been more than willing to pick me back up. One of these amazing people is a man who I have the pleasure to call my boyfriend. Because I know what it's like to lust over someone, and love the idea of them wanting you, I know that I am completely in love with Peter.
April 18, 2016: Still feeling a bit insecure, but a little spontaneous, I decided to send a message to the boy who had been in one of my courses throughout the entire semester. Although he may have not known, I had my eye on him since the first day of class. Finally, I mustered up enough courage to talk to him. I didn't know what to expect of our date, but it ended up being the most amazing date I had ever been on. Genuinely interested in me, he listened to every story I had, and he asked questions to get to know me. Suddenly in a restaurant full of people, he was the only one I saw.
Fast forward to a few weeks later: While at a birthday party for one of his friends, I had a great time. I was able to get to know his friends a little better through great conversation with them. After leaving the party, his best friend reassured me that Peter was completely head over heals for me and I did not have to worry about a thing. That we were perfect together, and soon it would be made "official." Later that night, I watched as he helped carry his good friend back to her room as she had drunk a little too much that night. I watched as he tucked her in. As he tried to help her get as comfortable as possible. I watched him be a loyal friend. Putting her before anyone else. I knew at that moment that he was the one for me. He was selfless. He cares about me, he cares about his friends, and he cares about his family. He works hard and he's respectful.
May 14, 2016: Peter leaves to go back home to California. By this time, I am completely and totally in love with him and I know for a fact that we'll be together still when he returns in the fall. In fact, we'll be together forever. I cry. I hug him goodbye, and I walk away from the terminal. I try not to look back, but I can't help but sneak one more peak, just to see if he's watching me go. As I turn around, my heart aches to see the pain on his face. As he enters into that terminal, we enter into the three most difficult months of our lives.
June 11, 2016: I leave Chicago to visit Peter in California. I meet him at the baggage claim, and for the first time all summer, I feel whole again. My heart isn't heavy. I do not have to miss him anymore. I don't have to leave those strong arms that keep me safe for the next three days. Nothing changed. I met his family, and we had the most fun that we had all summer. No matter what we did, it was perfect. Until he had to take me back to the airport at 4 a.m. on a Wednesday morning. We both cried. Harder than the last. I hoped the next month and a half would fly by.
Today: He comes back to Chicago in three weeks. It feels like the day will never come. I walk to work, and every plane that flies over my head, reminds me that I am just one day closer to seeing him. It seems like time is crawling. My heart is heavy because I miss him more than I ever have. I try to be strong. Work hard to forget the pain, but at the end of the day, we spend hours on FaceTime because it is the closest thing we have to being together.
I love him because he is strong enough to take the risk of dating me over 2,200 miles. I love him because he puts me before himself. I love him because he wants me to be in his life in every way possible. I love him because he loves me for me. Makeup or not, dressed up or in sweats, happy or crabby, he still loves me. I love him because I know what it feels like to love the feeling, and for once, I know what it's like to love the man more than I love the feeling.
How can you tell the difference between love and lust? How do you know that you love someone more than you love the feeling of the change, thrill of the moment, happiness of feeling wanted by someone else?
I used to say that I knew what love was. I had been in and out of relationships that I believed had possessed love at one point. The words "I love you" were spoken, and in a blink of an eye, the relationship was over, and hearts were broken. The idea of love is much different than love itself. Love contains an unbreakable bond. Once you meet that person who you can absolutely not see yourself without, that's when you know you're in love.
Love is a powerful and precious thing. I mentioned before that I thought I found it. My past relationships held loyalty. I was pushed around, pushed down, and sometimes, every once and a while, picked back up because that is what a "good" boyfriend does. That wasn't love. It was me loving the idea that somebody wanted me. Somebody was attracted to me. I was insecure.
That was the me of the past. In the last year, I have made many changes to my life. I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions, both good and bad. I have been pushed down more times. But I have included people in my life who have been more than willing to pick me back up. One of these amazing people is a man who I have the pleasure to call my boyfriend. Because I know what it's like to lust over someone, and love the idea of them wanting you, I know that I am completely in love with Peter.
April 18, 2016: Still feeling a bit insecure, but a little spontaneous, I decided to send a message to the boy who had been in one of my courses throughout the entire semester. Although he may have not known, I had my eye on him since the first day of class. Finally, I mustered up enough courage to talk to him. I didn't know what to expect of our date, but it ended up being the most amazing date I had ever been on. Genuinely interested in me, he listened to every story I had, and he asked questions to get to know me. Suddenly in a restaurant full of people, he was the only one I saw.
Fast forward to a few weeks later: While at a birthday party for one of his friends, I had a great time. I was able to get to know his friends a little better through great conversation with them. After leaving the party, his best friend reassured me that Peter was completely head over heals for me and I did not have to worry about a thing. That we were perfect together, and soon it would be made "official." Later that night, I watched as he helped carry his good friend back to her room as she had drunk a little too much that night. I watched as he tucked her in. As he tried to help her get as comfortable as possible. I watched him be a loyal friend. Putting her before anyone else. I knew at that moment that he was the one for me. He was selfless. He cares about me, he cares about his friends, and he cares about his family. He works hard and he's respectful.
May 14, 2016: Peter leaves to go back home to California. By this time, I am completely and totally in love with him and I know for a fact that we'll be together still when he returns in the fall. In fact, we'll be together forever. I cry. I hug him goodbye, and I walk away from the terminal. I try not to look back, but I can't help but sneak one more peak, just to see if he's watching me go. As I turn around, my heart aches to see the pain on his face. As he enters into that terminal, we enter into the three most difficult months of our lives.
June 11, 2016: I leave Chicago to visit Peter in California. I meet him at the baggage claim, and for the first time all summer, I feel whole again. My heart isn't heavy. I do not have to miss him anymore. I don't have to leave those strong arms that keep me safe for the next three days. Nothing changed. I met his family, and we had the most fun that we had all summer. No matter what we did, it was perfect. Until he had to take me back to the airport at 4 a.m. on a Wednesday morning. We both cried. Harder than the last. I hoped the next month and a half would fly by.
Today: He comes back to Chicago in three weeks. It feels like the day will never come. I walk to work, and every plane that flies over my head, reminds me that I am just one day closer to seeing him. It seems like time is crawling. My heart is heavy because I miss him more than I ever have. I try to be strong. Work hard to forget the pain, but at the end of the day, we spend hours on FaceTime because it is the closest thing we have to being together.
I love him because he is strong enough to take the risk of dating me over 2,200 miles. I love him because he puts me before himself. I love him because he wants me to be in his life in every way possible. I love him because he loves me for me. Makeup or not, dressed up or in sweats, happy or crabby, he still loves me. I love him because I know what it feels like to love the feeling, and for once, I know what it's like to love the man more than I love the feeling.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Tuesday, July 26, 2016
Confidently Complimenting
"You're beautiful."
These were two words that were said to me in passing when leaving the hospital this morning.
Inspiring. Encouraging. Unexpected- These words describe my reaction.
Some may think that this kind of compliment is nothing special. Why would it be inspiring? This compliment came from the mouth of a young girl. A teenager.
I found myself thinking back to when I was that age. So young. Inexperienced. Barely an ounce of confidence within me. Suddenly, it hit me. This girl has something that I didn't have five years ago. Five years ago, I searched for someone to give me the confidence that this girl had with in her. Seeking the approval of my peers, adults, family, it never seemed to be enough to fill that void. I struggled through high school. I tried to learn, and eventually I did, but I fell down multiple times during the process.
I kept walking, realizing a girl who is full of confidence is rare. She may be able to put on a mask of confidence while in public, which is something, I will admit, I do quite often. She may run to the approval of others, which I have also been found guilty of doing. But the woman who realizes her worth within herself, without needing to hear it from another person, is truly, and genuinely beautiful. And furthermore, the woman who can confidently give compliments to other girls is so much more beautiful. That is the true definition of beauty, confidence, character, and dignity: being able to humble yourself enough to put the attention on someone else.
We live in a world where women are analyzed, looked at, and lusted for. We live in a world where any characteristic considered a flaw, is pointed out before compliments are considered to be given. We live in a world where based on where your curves are, you're categorized in one of the three: too skinny, sexy, or fat. This is a problem. This problem is so big that public high schools include it in curriculums. But it still exists. Girls still feel pressured to work out more, eat way less than what is healthy, or eat more than what is healthy. And even after giving into all that pressure, the problem still exists. It's seen everywhere: billboards, newspapers, movies, trailers, the internet, social media, etc. The list is endless, just like the list of flaws the world labels "bad." In the world in which we live, the beauty that is seen on the outside is much more important than what is seen within. What if we took a step back for a second, and stopped ourselves from being engulfed in the lies that physical appearance is everything. It's not. Every woman in this world is made with beauty. There is no such thing as flaws in physical appearance. Flaws are found much deeper underneath the skin- pride, bitterness, jealousy...
So here's a challenge to anyone who may be reading this: think differently. Lay down your pride, and acknowledge someone for who they are. Realize that the physical appearance of anyone will someday fade. It's temporary. Be generous. Be kind. Be loving. Be different. Be beautiful. Live the life that was intended for you.
The courage to have the confidence to give a compliment can go a long way.
"She is clothed with strength and dignity, and laughs without fear of the future." Proverbs 31:25
These were two words that were said to me in passing when leaving the hospital this morning.
Inspiring. Encouraging. Unexpected- These words describe my reaction.
Some may think that this kind of compliment is nothing special. Why would it be inspiring? This compliment came from the mouth of a young girl. A teenager.
I found myself thinking back to when I was that age. So young. Inexperienced. Barely an ounce of confidence within me. Suddenly, it hit me. This girl has something that I didn't have five years ago. Five years ago, I searched for someone to give me the confidence that this girl had with in her. Seeking the approval of my peers, adults, family, it never seemed to be enough to fill that void. I struggled through high school. I tried to learn, and eventually I did, but I fell down multiple times during the process.
I kept walking, realizing a girl who is full of confidence is rare. She may be able to put on a mask of confidence while in public, which is something, I will admit, I do quite often. She may run to the approval of others, which I have also been found guilty of doing. But the woman who realizes her worth within herself, without needing to hear it from another person, is truly, and genuinely beautiful. And furthermore, the woman who can confidently give compliments to other girls is so much more beautiful. That is the true definition of beauty, confidence, character, and dignity: being able to humble yourself enough to put the attention on someone else.
We live in a world where women are analyzed, looked at, and lusted for. We live in a world where any characteristic considered a flaw, is pointed out before compliments are considered to be given. We live in a world where based on where your curves are, you're categorized in one of the three: too skinny, sexy, or fat. This is a problem. This problem is so big that public high schools include it in curriculums. But it still exists. Girls still feel pressured to work out more, eat way less than what is healthy, or eat more than what is healthy. And even after giving into all that pressure, the problem still exists. It's seen everywhere: billboards, newspapers, movies, trailers, the internet, social media, etc. The list is endless, just like the list of flaws the world labels "bad." In the world in which we live, the beauty that is seen on the outside is much more important than what is seen within. What if we took a step back for a second, and stopped ourselves from being engulfed in the lies that physical appearance is everything. It's not. Every woman in this world is made with beauty. There is no such thing as flaws in physical appearance. Flaws are found much deeper underneath the skin- pride, bitterness, jealousy...
So here's a challenge to anyone who may be reading this: think differently. Lay down your pride, and acknowledge someone for who they are. Realize that the physical appearance of anyone will someday fade. It's temporary. Be generous. Be kind. Be loving. Be different. Be beautiful. Live the life that was intended for you.
The courage to have the confidence to give a compliment can go a long way.
"She is clothed with strength and dignity, and laughs without fear of the future." Proverbs 31:25
Tuesday, July 5, 2016
Restitution for the Hurting Heart
Restitution: (n.) restoration of something lost or broken.
"I'm fine."
Two words that define the way I feel 100% of the time... or at least that's what I tell people.
I hate showing weakness. I pretend that I'm fine, even when I'm not. I force myself to smile when I'm feeling down, so that no one will know that inside I'm actually falling apart. I make myself busy to hold back tears. I keep all my messy emotions locked up inside of me.
And then I break.
I hit rock bottom. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to express my feelings, and I get frustrated when the people around me can't possibly understand what I'm feeling. I get mad at myself for keeping my emotions locked up inside of me for so long. All I can do is cry. I feel sick. I hurt. I feel empty. Imperfect. Raw.
For some people, showing their emotions, and talking them out has been an easy road their entire life. For others, including myself, it has been a long road figuring out a healthy release of the hurt and brokenness. My entire life, I have struggled with telling those who care about me the truth- that I actually am not fine. I build up the world around me to be something that looks perfect on the outside, but from the inside out, it's destructive.
It just causes a feeling of desperation. It causes lying to yourself. Feeling like you're not good enough for the people who you have surrounded yourself with. You feel stuck.
The past six months for me have been particularly difficult for me. There have often been times that are great, but there have been a lot of times that I haven't known what to do. Although I am obviously not an expert on how to deal with pain and hurt, I've come to the conclusion that the people you surround yourself with are so important. Surround yourself with people who genuinely care about you, and don't shut them out when you need them. You are not a burden. You are loved. You are worth it. When you need to take someone's time because you just need to talk it out, you are worth every minute. That person should care for you and love you. You are important. You have a purpose. Don't give up.
Friday, July 1, 2016
A Letter to My Future Self
The American Dream: To live a "good life" consisting of a successful job, a beautiful family, a stable, and even entertaining lifestyle. That's the goal of so many people growing up. Many young adults often have that dream in mind when they begin to set out on their own journey into the "real world" that high school constantly glamorizes, because let's be honest, who wouldn't want to live that life? According to the high school advisors and counselors, "they just want what's best for you."
It's been a year since I graduated high school, and my life has been pretty great. It hasn't been easy, but I've been through great experiences, and for the bad experiences, I've learned from them. Looking back, I wouldn't change anything that I've gone through- the good or the bad. I have learned many lessons a long the way, but one of the most important being that with a positive attitude, you can accomplish so much more. Don't doubt yourself. Be confident in who you are. Know you can do amazing things with confidence, knowing that you are amazing. I've realized that seeing situations on the "brighter side" and having a positive outlook on your life causes so much more success in the future.
Whatever your dream may be, believe in yourself 100%. Don't be afraid to fail. In our country's history alone, there are multiple leaders that our nation looks up to, who in fact, needed to fail before achieving success. Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King Jr., and Thomas Edison are to just name a few. They failed, but what sets them apart from the others in this world is their persistence. Striving for greatness, knowing they would eventually overcome their failures. When you hear these names, you remember their greatness. Know others may judge, and even tell you that you are unable to accomplish what you have in mind. Remember that they are wrong. No matter what it is you set your mind to, you can do it. There is a large amount of people living their lives unsatisfied because they become discouraged and settle for a career that isn't their first choice. They spend the rest of their lives stressed out, dreading going to work, and only go to work simply to provide for themselves and their family. Now is the time that you decide where you want to be in a few years. Don't take the easier way out. Don't settle.
Life begins with having a little faith. Your Creator gave you the gift of potential in whatever field you may be interested and talented in. Don't be afraid to step out of your comfort zone every once and a while. Try new things. Dream big. That career that you imagine yourself doing in five years? Continue going to school for that degree; don't get discouraged. No matter how challenging it may become, don't give up. Those opportunities that keep knocking at your door? Don't turn them down until you are certain there is a legitimate reason it won't help you, because that's exactly what it is intended to do- help you. That mental bucket list that you keep in the back of your mind of things you want to complete in your spare time? Go out and make them happen. This earth is a beautiful place, don't forget to explore it! That relationship that you somehow found yourself in through everything that is going on around you? Keep looking toward the future; you feel the way you do about that person for a reason. Love is a precious thing; once you find it, don't let it go.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
Thursday, June 9, 2016
Patiently Waiting
Life is full of waiting. As a college student, finally beginning to figure out life, I realized that waiting is a season that everyone goes through. The elementary student waits to be like the role model they watched growing up. The middle school student waits to enter into the popularity contest of high school, hoping to make it as the freshman varsity athlete. When that freshman begins high school, life seems to finally begin- all the hopes and dreams for the future become a reality. College becomes the next goal in life, and grades become important to the high achieving honors student. However, in the midst of all this, there are plenty of times of waiting. Senior year and between high school graduation and college, there may be what some may consider to be the most anxious time of waiting.
But why do we have to do it? Why are we forced to wait? And if we wait, why do we patiently wait?
Waiting is something that human beings struggle with. Many would agree that the American society, especially, does not wait patiently. The customer waiting for his cheeseburger over five minutes on his lunch break is forced to wait, however, he may not wait patiently. The soon to be college student, and high school grad will have to wait for all of his acceptance letters in order to make his decision on furthering his education. If this particular student is waitlisted at a particular school of interest, he may become anxious, maybe even settling for a school of lesser interest just because he is impatient.
Settling.
Settling is the act of choosing something of lesser value due to the lack of patience during the time of waiting. It may also be the act of choosing something of lesser value due to the lack of motivation in the subject area in which required.
In my times of waiting, I have learned that settling for something less than what could be, ruins opportunity. It corrupts one's ability to believe that he or she could do bigger and better things in their lifetime. To settle is to be impatient and impulsive.
With time, God works through you to do immense things. In that time, He can teach you ideas that no one else may understand at the time, including yourself. Sometimes, waiting patiently is a beautiful thing. Life goes fast, and it is difficult to keep up at times. Waiting patiently in the Lord's timing is one of the most important lessons that I've learned in the seasons of life that I've been through recently.
The most prime example that comes to mind is something that I had mentioned as a scenario earlier. Choosing what college to attend requires a great amount of patience in what seems to be an eternity of waiting. I, like many other students finishing their junior year, going into their senior year of high school was pressured with the idea of choosing what step was next in my life. I began blindly applying to schools that seemed nice in catalogue pictures and on their websites. One school in particular caught my eye, and it never left my mind during this entire process. Westmont College would be the school that consumed my mind. The beautiful clear skies, rocky mountains, and the beach that stretched for miles in Santa Barbara played a huge factor in the fact that this school was also everything that I had ever wanted in a school. Being a small Christian school of 2,200 students appealed to me, reminding me that what I craved was a community that would encourage me to be the best I could be in my relationship with Christ. I applied in December, and I waited. I will never forget the feeling I had when I anxiously opened the burgundy envelop that came in the mail in March. "#WestmontSaidYes" printed in bold, white letters on the side caught my attention, making me realize that this piece of mail wasn't the usual advertisement I had been receiving for the previous 3 months. Along with my acceptance letter, was a scholarship for $21,000. A few weeks later, still exited about my newest achievement, I booked a flight to Santa Barbara to tour the school. The day after I returned, I placed my deposit on the school, and started envisioning my life 2,300 miles away from the place I called home.
God had different plans.
Even with my scholarship, I was still unable to afford the tuition at Westmont. I was disappointed, and angry, once again in a state of waiting. Now being in the month of June, I had no other options but to enroll at the technical college of the city in which I was living at the time, or not going to school at all. I chose not to wait, but to settle.
Enrolling at Gateway Technical College, I reluctantly began my semester, resented the school. Needless to say, with my attitude and the decision to rush into something I wasn't ready for, I didn't do well. Although my grades from that semester don't show it, I learned a lot that semester. I learned not to settle for less.
With this in mind, I began researching other schools near me. I came across North Park University. After a few weeks of communicating with my assigned advisor, I made the decision to tour the school, and I fell in love all over again. It was perfect. I was accepted, enrolled, and placed in classes in a time period of two weeks. After Christmas vacation, I would begin my new chapter. Through my time of waiting, everything fell into place.
Had I continued to settle and attend the school I despised, I would have missed out on so many great opportunities. I would have missed out on creating the friendships that will last a lifetime. I would have missed out on being offered the position of a pharmacy technician with flexible hours, giving me an opportunity to chase my dream of becoming a pharmacist someday. I would have missed out on meeting the boy of my dreams, and later falling in love with him by the end of the semester. I would have missed out on experiencing the courses that I would enjoy being taught by professors who genuinely care about the success of their students. I would have missed out on attending a church that has encouraged, challenged, and loved me in more ways than I have ever imagined possible. Most importantly, I would have missed out on learning the value in waiting.
But why do we have to do it? Why are we forced to wait? And if we wait, why do we patiently wait?
Waiting is something that human beings struggle with. Many would agree that the American society, especially, does not wait patiently. The customer waiting for his cheeseburger over five minutes on his lunch break is forced to wait, however, he may not wait patiently. The soon to be college student, and high school grad will have to wait for all of his acceptance letters in order to make his decision on furthering his education. If this particular student is waitlisted at a particular school of interest, he may become anxious, maybe even settling for a school of lesser interest just because he is impatient.
Settling.
Settling is the act of choosing something of lesser value due to the lack of patience during the time of waiting. It may also be the act of choosing something of lesser value due to the lack of motivation in the subject area in which required.
In my times of waiting, I have learned that settling for something less than what could be, ruins opportunity. It corrupts one's ability to believe that he or she could do bigger and better things in their lifetime. To settle is to be impatient and impulsive.
With time, God works through you to do immense things. In that time, He can teach you ideas that no one else may understand at the time, including yourself. Sometimes, waiting patiently is a beautiful thing. Life goes fast, and it is difficult to keep up at times. Waiting patiently in the Lord's timing is one of the most important lessons that I've learned in the seasons of life that I've been through recently.
The most prime example that comes to mind is something that I had mentioned as a scenario earlier. Choosing what college to attend requires a great amount of patience in what seems to be an eternity of waiting. I, like many other students finishing their junior year, going into their senior year of high school was pressured with the idea of choosing what step was next in my life. I began blindly applying to schools that seemed nice in catalogue pictures and on their websites. One school in particular caught my eye, and it never left my mind during this entire process. Westmont College would be the school that consumed my mind. The beautiful clear skies, rocky mountains, and the beach that stretched for miles in Santa Barbara played a huge factor in the fact that this school was also everything that I had ever wanted in a school. Being a small Christian school of 2,200 students appealed to me, reminding me that what I craved was a community that would encourage me to be the best I could be in my relationship with Christ. I applied in December, and I waited. I will never forget the feeling I had when I anxiously opened the burgundy envelop that came in the mail in March. "#WestmontSaidYes" printed in bold, white letters on the side caught my attention, making me realize that this piece of mail wasn't the usual advertisement I had been receiving for the previous 3 months. Along with my acceptance letter, was a scholarship for $21,000. A few weeks later, still exited about my newest achievement, I booked a flight to Santa Barbara to tour the school. The day after I returned, I placed my deposit on the school, and started envisioning my life 2,300 miles away from the place I called home.
God had different plans.
Even with my scholarship, I was still unable to afford the tuition at Westmont. I was disappointed, and angry, once again in a state of waiting. Now being in the month of June, I had no other options but to enroll at the technical college of the city in which I was living at the time, or not going to school at all. I chose not to wait, but to settle.
Enrolling at Gateway Technical College, I reluctantly began my semester, resented the school. Needless to say, with my attitude and the decision to rush into something I wasn't ready for, I didn't do well. Although my grades from that semester don't show it, I learned a lot that semester. I learned not to settle for less.
With this in mind, I began researching other schools near me. I came across North Park University. After a few weeks of communicating with my assigned advisor, I made the decision to tour the school, and I fell in love all over again. It was perfect. I was accepted, enrolled, and placed in classes in a time period of two weeks. After Christmas vacation, I would begin my new chapter. Through my time of waiting, everything fell into place.
Had I continued to settle and attend the school I despised, I would have missed out on so many great opportunities. I would have missed out on creating the friendships that will last a lifetime. I would have missed out on being offered the position of a pharmacy technician with flexible hours, giving me an opportunity to chase my dream of becoming a pharmacist someday. I would have missed out on meeting the boy of my dreams, and later falling in love with him by the end of the semester. I would have missed out on experiencing the courses that I would enjoy being taught by professors who genuinely care about the success of their students. I would have missed out on attending a church that has encouraged, challenged, and loved me in more ways than I have ever imagined possible. Most importantly, I would have missed out on learning the value in waiting.
Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.
Psalm 27:14
Sunday, April 3, 2016
All or Nothing
Throughout my life, I have faced the difficult question of "what does it actually mean to live a godly life?"
Not only living in a world that is full of sin, but a world that makes sin look good, makes living the godly life in which we as Christians are called to live extremely difficult. I used to think that the peer pressure of high school would go away after I graduated, however, this was not necessarily the case. When I began college, I was surprised to see how much peer pressure still remained. I have come to realize that no matter where I am in life, I will still have the choice to fall in or out of peer pressure.
Many people who call themselves Christians, or "Followers of Christ," have different perspectives on how to live their lives. The culture and society of today, America especially, has suggested that we have the ability pick and choose what we want to do with our lives.
"It's your life, so choose what will make you happy"
This is the phrase that is often given as advice to the high school senior struggling to decide on what university to attend, the college student trying to decide what to do after graduation, what degree to pursue, where to move, what car to buy, whether or not to take out loans, purchase a car, house, all material goods in which Americans put so much more value on over their eternal life with Christ.
What would it look like if the Church turned the foolish advice quoted above into advice full of wisdom?
"It's your life, so choose what will be pleasing in the eyes of the Lord your God who created you"
What would it look like if the Church of Christ began to live by asking this question before making decisions for themselves in the lives that were given to them by God?
Sometimes God's plan for our lives may seem crazy. However, I have witnessed some very godly people do some very "crazy" things in which they felt was God's calling, and they ended up abundantly blessed. This is not only seen in the world in which we live today, but also throughout history. Abraham was told he would be the father of a great nation and that there would be a promised land when he was of very old age (Gen. 17:7), Abraham is later told to take his son, Isaac, to a mountain and sacrifice him (Gen. 22:2), Moses was commanded to tell Pharaoh to let the Israelites go even though he was afraid (Exod. 3:16), Joshua and his men are commanded to march around the City of Jericho for six days (Josh. 6:3)... the Bible is full of stories in which people then would have thought to be crazy. However, the Israelites, God's own people are a prime example of what it looks like when someone does not obey the Lord's commands. In the book of Exodus, the Lord gives the Israelites so many opportunities to be pleasing in his sight, but they often rebel. Because of this, that generation wanders the wilderness for forty years, and never enter into the promised land.
Are you obeying the Lord's commands or are you wandering the wilderness?
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